Monthly Archives: June 2010

A name for a little girl…

I knew this little girl was going to special.  I had a sign, inspiration, whatever you want to call it.  My husband and I have very different views on many things, we rarely agree.  I just knew when it came to naming our little girl, we were going to have a hard time.  We started planning early, before we even knew we were having a girl.

We both came up with a list of boy and girl names.   After reviewing our lists we looked for commonalities and compromises.  We had a hard time choosing a boys name, because my husband’s family name is Guillermo.  It is the first name for all the men in their family tree.  Trying to find something to go with this first name was difficult, I wanted something Irish to represent my heritage.  Guillermo Logan, Guillermo Nathan, so on and so on.  Nothing really rolled off the tongue easily.  We had a good idea on a few girl names, but we had not narrowed anything down.

The day we found out we were having a girl, we were so excited.  We were in our kitchen talking about having a girl, when my husband noticed a little Stargazer Lily that I had bought.  One lily was open.  He looked at me and said Lily!  I smiled and knew it was perfect.  The next thought I had was Lilianna Marie.  We both agreed immediately, no need to discuss further.  I haven’t been more sure of anything in my life.

The funny part about this little lily that inspired her name is that it never bloomed again.  I was lonely during my pregnancy, because my husband had to move to Georgia before me.  I spent 8 months separate from him waiting for our home to sell so that we could buy our new home.  I bought my little lily to help brighten my days.  I had no idea at the time that it would be the symbol and inspiration for my daughter’s name.

My very own little Lily!

The significance of this flower is even more inspiring and a true symbol of my daughter’s spirit –  “Stargazer lilies are young, bold, beautiful, and dramatic. The meaning of these fragrant flowers can be one of wealth and prosperity, but their white variety can dress down to genuinely express purity and sympathy.”

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What does it mean to be a mom……


I have been a mom for almost two years now, a newbie.  Many years I have watched and learned from those that I admire and those that I never want to be.

Some of the common traits that I have seen in inspirational moms –

  1. Patient, calm, and never seem to be flustered.
  2. Attentive and listen to their children.  If the children are young and impetuous, I have notice they calmly ask their children to wait their turn.  Love it and hope I can do it!
  3. Loyal to their families.
  4. Playful.  You see them smiling and enjoying spending time with their children.
  5. Watchful, not smothering.  I notice they set boundaries and let their children test them only to meet a consistent and firm response to remind them.
  6. Supportive.  Help and share in their children’s dreams.  They don’t criticize only show ways to reach their goals.
  7. Eat dinner together.  Share stories of the day.
  8. Creative.  Practice and invent crafts to do with their children.  Perfection is left at the door, because everything created together is perfect.
  9. Don’t criticize.  Life is hard enough, no need to bring up the shortcomings of their children.  Teach them to use their strengths to investigate ways to handle difficulties.
  10. Hold hands with their children.
  11. Love on their children unconditionally.  Demonstrate this love often and with abandon.  Hugging, kissing, and saying “I love you!” often.
  12. Their children are the light in their eyes!  You are almost blinded by the light they emit when they talk about their children.
  13. Proud.  Proud to be their mother, proud of their child, and proud of their families.
  14. Talk about their children often.  They aren’t as accessory or obligation, they are a gift to be appreciated always.
  15. Problem solvers.  There isn’t one thing they won’t do to help their children with anything.  They will find the resources to help them with any struggles they may face.
  16. Security. No matter what happens they are a secure place for their children to return.
  17. Understanding.  They realize that many factors affect their children’s behaviors.  They understand the source of the reactions.  Handle the source and not the child.

I am not saying these mothers don’t have bad days.   We all have them.  The sum of all the good days is greater than the few bad days.  Your children will always remember the good times as long as the bad days are treated as fleeting.  I want to be all this for my daughter and more.

Struggling

I am having a hard time right now. I don’t know how to resolve my conflicting feelings. My inner turmoil has been going on for over 20 years, some days I feel like I can’t be freed.   I realize everyone has their struggles with their own families and I am not dealing with anything extraordinary. But nonetheless I still struggle.

My parents are extremely self centered even to the detriment of everyone around them. I have one sister, she is about six years younger. She is a product of the type of upbringing that I experienced. But for some reason I wanted something better and I couldn’t live a life that was accepted by them. I have had a hard time understanding why I am so different.  I can’t seem to find any peace with the fact that I am different. You see, as I started to see the holes in some of theories about life that I had been taught, I changed.

When my mother was upset one of us, she would favor the other.  So, in response, my sister learned to find ways to make my mother upset with me.  She would bask and revel in the attention focused on her.  Nothing has changed.  In fact, most of our family discussions turn into a lynch mob after my head.  I have managed to survive, but leaving this situation was the only escape.  Unfortunately this has left me alone, an orphan.  Maybe I chose this, but I am not so sure it was under my control.  I could have stayed in the fold of the family and remained miserable, but I chose to be happy even if it meant being alone.

I became a big disappointment to my family and eventually an outcast. During my life I have struggled to find some common ground so that I could have a relationship with them. I didn’t want to be the outcast, it was (is) very painful. Now that I have a daughter, I don’t know what I need to do for her. I want her to have grandparents, but I am not sure how to work this out.

How do I let my family in enough to have a relationship with my daughter, when they think so badly of me?  I don’t want my daughter to see what they think of me.  My friends all find me caring, loving, unselfish, and willing to do anything to help others.  My parents think I am selfish, angry, uncaring etc..  No one in my life thinks as badly of me as my family.  They aren’t going to budge on this.  I can understand why, they would have to face themselves in the mirror.  It is much easier to blame me and focus all their anger on hating me.

Some things from my past I can’t forget –

  • My father said he couldn’t imagine how any man would want to marry me.  It is a wonder I have any self confidence at all.
  • I was 7 months pregnant, my mother expressed her concern for my being a good mom.  She told me that I needed to reassure my father that I would be a good mother.  What the hell!?  Who says something like that to a pregnant woman?  What mother isn’t worried about being a good mother, and to hear their parents are concerned too is so devastating.
  • The stigma from my family that I have carried with me all of my life – my mothers said I had never fit in the family and I never would.  Can’t imagine why I felt so alone.
  • I was going through a divorce and my ex husband was taking the house.  I had no place to live.  Since I was self employed it was difficult for me to get a loan for house or a place to rent.  I asked my father to co-sign on a loan for a house with a small apartment.  I had worked out a renter for the house and I was going to live in the garage apartment, so that I could cover the mortgage easily.  Perfect set up for me – My father refused.  The best part is that he didn’t want to, in his words, be stuck with a house in Virginia.  As if, I would have left him with a mortgage.  Not to mention a few months later he bought a house on 138 acres in Virginia.  I was faced with being homeless and he couldn’t help me.

Why would anyone want to spend time with people who think these things? Or even have the nerve to say these things?  I had found some sort of solace with these situations, I chose to forgive them (of course I can’t ever forget).  But the latest series of events I just can’t seem to find any forgiveness.  When I had my daughter, I decided to make peace with my family so she could have grandparents.  I learned one lesson, I can’t give her grandparents – they have to want to spend time with her.

Nothing has really changed, so I haven’t been able to find a resolution.  I have been forgiving.  Each time we have one of these type of discussions I beg for their forgiveness and give in so that I can have a family.  I just don’t have that in me anymore.  We haven’t talked in a month and the last part was left with me asking for more time to spend with their granddaughter.  I only asked that they make it a priority, just as they have made their vacations a priority.  They have not been able to visit with my daughter, because –

  • it is turkey hunting season
  • my sister needs them to take care of her children
  • they have a vacation planned
  • they need to rush back from Florida to Virginia – right through the very state I live – so that my dad can show off her mountain house to his sister
  • mom is sick
  • dad has to work (he is retired) at a campground he owns – which is fine to take time off when he goes on vacation
  • they need to check on their second house

Need I say more!  This has been going on since my daughter was born.  I am just glad she doesn’t know anything about what is going on.  I dread the day I have to explain to her that her grandparents have something more important to do than visit with her or back out of coming to visit.  What do you do!?

Naturally inspired….

About 5 am this morning I was walking over to the barn to feed my horses when I noticed my little pear tree.  This tree has an interesting story that symbolizes life.

The story began in 2008 when we had to relocate to Georgia.  We were lucky to find a house that fit all our needs, but it needed a little work.  It had been foreclosed on and vacant for over two years.

In discovering all the hidden treasures this house had to offer, I found a little pear tree.  Now, I am not a tree expert.  I wasn’t able to identify this little tree by any other means except that there was one little pear on its branches.  Unfortunately for this little guy, he was completely strangled by honeysuckle, kudzu, and poison ivy vines.  In fact he was so covered, it almost looked like the honeysuckle vine had produced this little pear.

I was so excited about my little pear tree, operation save my pear tree began immediately.  I am  not a great gardener, so I don’t have all the tools necessary for this type of rescue mission.  Being the stubborn person that I am, I didn’t let the lack of tools slow me down.  I went into this mission with my bare hands (yep, no gloves) and a kitchen knife.

A little blood letting (some of those darn vines had briars), sore back, sweat, tears, muddy, and a bad case of poison ivy (bad enough to require steroids) – I freed my little tree.  I  was so tired I could barely stand up, but I was proud of my work.

After a year, which brings us to present day, my little pear tree is covered – COVERED- in pears.  It is so bountiful, beautiful, and producing a bounty of life.

Shedding off all the bad things in our lives that are strangling us, holding us down, and preventing us from getting what we need to flourish – is like getting rid of the vines off the pear tree.  Criticisms, negativity, abuse, neglect, self doubt, and people who sap all of our life energy are the vines of our tree.  It might take a lot of work, hurt, and maybe a little blood letting are all temporary and worth the effort – when you can reap the benefits of growth!

Flourish and grow!!!!!

Life as I choose to live it….

I wrote this article awhile back and wanted to share it here  —- click here to read it…..

The Ant Who Moved The Rubber Tree Plant… well acutally the mouse

I heard the funniest story this morning.  One of the local radio stations has a WOW Wednesday contest.  Each caller has 90 seconds to tell their story and the panel of three judges has to unanimously agree that the story is worth a “WOW” to win the prize.

Usually these stories are simple or just funny, but the story this morning actually carries an inspirational message……

“So this woman tells her husband that her car has a funny smell and is making a funny noise when she drives it.  Being a concerned husband, he took the car into the dealership to find the problem.  They kept the car for a week trying to find the problem.  The mechanics had to almost completely take the car apart to find the problem.

So the mechanic calls the husband to give him the news of the problem.  Apparently a very determined little mouse had decided to hide his food stash in the engine block.  He is very determined, because he has stored over 10 lbs of dog food in this car.  The mechanics couldn’t believe how much food one little mouse had stored.

But the story doesn’t end here……..

After hearing what was wrong with her car, the woman started thinking that the second car she was driving had a funny smell TOO!  She took it into the dealership as well, just to make sure everything was all right.  The end result was that the same little mouse had stored his food in this car’s engine block too.  Again over 10 lbs!!!!!”

This one little mouse stored over 20lbs of dog food for his winter storage.  Just thinking about all the time he spent picking up each piece of food and running to his hiding place to store it – is pretty amazing!!!  He didn’t have a little mousey bucket to save trips back and forth.  Instead of being overwhelmed by his task, he stayed the course and moved each piece of dog food one at a time  —–  20lbs.

Hard work, determination, staying the course, and working through a problem little by little is a good lesson for us in our lives.  So much can be accomplished by keeping focused and working towards it little by little!

As a side note, not so sure about the dog.  Either he was extremely giving and watched this little guy share his food.  Or, he was probably wondering what happened to over 20 lbs of his kibble 😉

Life Is Hard, But It Is All In How We Live It….

I read this post for one of my favorite bloggers.  Too many times we hear all about how great someone’s life is going, how positive they are about life, their accomplishments….. so on and so on.  I am all about celebrating these with them, but sometimes I just have a BAD day.  I don’t want to have to fight down the jealousy, envy, and feelings of failure when I hear their wonderful life.

Let me clarify, I love sharing ideas and celebrating the successes of others.  I just find it hard to be happy for them when I am having a crappy day.  Especially if they NEVER have a bad day.  They seem to always have it together and love to flaunt it.  WE ALL have bad days.  I believe that it is how we handle those bad days is what defines us.

I have dealt with a lot of bad times and I am here to say I survived and am better person as a result.  I can remember talking to a friend one day and she wanted to know how I was able to survive my divorce.

I thought about this a little while and realized that I actually was proud of my survival.  I went from being supported by my husband while I built my business, with no worries about money, home, food, etc…..  To no home, no financial support, no medical insurance, very little income, no family support, and being very ALONE.

I even celebrated Christmas and Thanksgiving with my pets.  I decided to make the best of my situation.  One of my fondest memories now is, sharing my cold (due to a power outage), pre-made Thanksgiving meal with my furry babies.  Sounds bad to some, but I loved it.  I didn’t have any family drama to deal with, I just didn’t have the emotional ability to deal with their antics.  My support was my furry family and they have always been there for me.  As for friends, my X had alienated me from my friends.  I had to rebuild my entire life.  I am sure you are asking yourself, “WHY ARE YOU PROUD OF THIS?”

Because, I managed to make the best of my situation and didn’t sit around feeling sorry about my situation.  I focused on what was important and built on it.  I am now happily married, live in a nice house with my horses at home for once, have a beautiful little girl, a wonderful job, lots of friends I can count on….  But the one thing that I am the most proud of, I was tested to my very core and I proved to myself that I can SURVIVE!!!  You really don’t know what you are capable of doing until you are tested.

When life gets hard (and believe me it still does), I know in my heart I can get through this.  It is only temporary and I have the power to control my perspective.  I actually took my divorce and used it as a chance to reinvent myself.  I love my new creation and I can now be a true role model for my little girl.

Here is a link to the post that motivated me:   Hiccups in Time – Life is a Highway that Sometimes Needs Repairing